I really think I should just give up. I really wish you guys should just care a little bit from time to time, and not lie to me and say you do. I'm the girl who smiles? No. I'm the girl who fakes a smile, cries when she's alone, then crumbles to the ground. If you have to see it to believe it, tough luck. Do you guys even know I cry? And no, it's not the good kind. I smile, even though my heart is aching, I smile, even though it's breaking. And f*ck, sometimes I want to do exactly what you did to me: lead you on, make you fall for me, and just play with your feelings. I'm FOREVER changed by who you are, and by what you mean to me. And I realize, I don't mean ANYTHING to you, I've got to remind myself that I'm probably the last thing on your mind. And for awhile, I actually felt like I meant something to someone. And maybe I am not worth it, but boy, you don't have to lie.
I think it's pretty much impossible to forget someone who is the only reason you smile..
The question I hate most, is "are you okay?" because I don't know how to answer it. If I answer "I'm fine." you guys mostly leave me alone. And if I answer "I'm not okay" you guys just jump on me and expect me to tell you everything. And when I say, I don't want to talk about it, just leave me alone. And no, it's not because "I don't trust you", its because I actually DON'T want to talk about it, so back off.
So today was one of many bad days... It's also a day where I came to realize there are very little people I can talk to. In fact, almost none. Maybe one, or two. And don't come running to me saying "you can't rely on me?" because OBVIOUSLY not. Once you're dishonest with me once, I'll absolutely never trust you the same ever again. And it's happened with some of my closest friends. So don't come running to me, whatever you do. Because I won't answer you.
I can't seem to concentrate in school because I'm trying to figure myself out. I don't even know how I feel anymore.. It feels like my whole world is coming crashing down. So much weight is being put on my shoulders and I'm about to break. Seriously... I know I put on a smile, but have you looked into my eyes?
It hurts.. Really. And I'm not making this up guys, I know like I act like every thing's okay, but really, NOTHING is okay. Don't come harassing me asking me what's wrong, because I won't tell you. And again, it's not because I don't trust you, it's because, maybe, just maybe, I like keeping some things personal. And just because you're one of my close friends doesn't mean I'll tell you. YES I do trust you, but best friends don't have to tell each other things they don't feel comfortable talking about.
With all the love from the bottom of my broken heart,
N a t h y..
